Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Finding My Homeschooling Heart
As all of the "back-to-school" hoopla started amping up the past few weeks, I had a growing sense of discouragement and lack of direction. I would sit and think about homeschooling and almost immediately my energy would begin to plummet and a sense of dread would creep in. Then I would feel so horribly guilty for feeling that way and would wonder, "What is wrong with me?"
After all that terrible guilt, fear raised its ugly head and I began the online hunt to find someone to just "tell me what to do". My clamoring mind said "Quick, just buy something! Quick, do what she does! Quick, get your act together!"
After a few weeks of this rollercoaster, I figured out that somewhere along the way I have simply lost my heart for educating my children. I have kept a "safe distance" from really enjoying homeschooling again because I fear that this lovely lifestyle will come to a screeching halt (as it did 3 years ago), and I will need to put them back in school. I realized that deep down that I thought this: Why invest so deeply and richly in an ideal if it is all going to end?
I told a dear friend about this awful heart dilemma...that I knew God had called me to trust Him to homeschool again this past year, but that I was holding it all at arm's length and not giving my children my whole heart. And in the way that only a true and good and godly friend can, she said, "So you aren't really trusting God then." And I realized, that no, I am not. But I want to.
So I have spent the past week talking to Him about my heart and my fears and leaning into Him and asking and seeking and begging for His will and His ways to be done in me. And He is answering! He isn't leading me to some magic bullet curriculum, but back to my heart's original vision in homeschooling. A Charlotte-Mason inspired, relaxed homeschool with lots of great books, time outdoors, long discussions, real life math, art and music appreciation, imaginative play, and interest-led projects.
I didn't need a new curriculum, I just needed my heart back.
I felt my joy and energy return and know that He is working all things for good in our lives and that I really can trust Him no matter what the educational future holds for any of us. We walk these lifestyle paths by faith...one trusting step at a time.