Thursday, April 1, 2010
I drive fast. And I like to drive to fast. I don't know why. Sometimes it's from poor planning so I am rushed to be somewhere on time. Sometimes it's because I feel agitated, and I do things fast when I feel that way. Part of it is feeling like driving is a waste of my time, and I want to get it over with quickly. I just seem to rush, rush, rush whenever I drive.
It's all catching up with me. I got a warning from a police officer about seven months ago because I was speeding in a school zone. It wasn't intentional...my mind was on other things (homeschooling books that I had just bought at the thrift store!) and I just didn't notice that I was in the school zone. He gave me a warning, I felt stupid, and gave myself some sort of mental scolding for always pushing it when I drive.
This morning I was late getting Will to his preschool. My mind was very preoccupied as I drove, and so I didn't notice that the speed limit had just changed from 45 to 35...and I was going 49. Blue lights in the rear-view. I thought "Seriously?!" And my next thought was "Lord, you are trying to teach me something and apparently I am not listening". I accepted my ticket graciously and knew I deserved it. Even though my speeding wasn't intentional this morning, I usually DO speed and it usually IS intentional and I just think that I won't get caught. And I rationalize it away too..."the speed limit is 35 here but shouldn't be...it SHOULD be 50 so I'll go that". It's terrible, really.
It was good for me to be honest with my children that what I am doing is wrong and that I need God's grace to stop speeding. It was good for me to be humble before them and admit wrong-doing and that I struggle with sin...I think that God used the situation for good to build deeper transparency and grace in our family relationships.
But at the end of the day, I still want to stop speeding and figure out why I drive my car and myself so hard. I am so weary of having my default setting being anxiety-driven. I want to live out of a peaceful, trusting place not out of a fretful, pushy place. God is allowing something as simple as speeding tickets to teach me to trust, to slow, to relinquish control...to choose in my dailiness to walk by faith in His sovereign, gracious character.
Oh I really want to learn these heart lessons. I really do.