Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Hiding Behind Stuff
I met two friends today. For the first time! These are fellow bloggers that I have "known" for close to three years and finally our paths converged in real time here at my home! It was so wonderful to have them here for a few hours of talking, discussing, sharing...time just went by way too fast. We barely scratched the surface!
In the days leading up to their coming, I sensed a gnawing frustration. I really wanted to go to Lowe's to buy new ferns for the front porch, pretty flowers for my pots, fresh herbs, and paint for my porches. A trip to World Market for new rugs...and maybe a fresh tablecloth. Oh yeah, it's Buy Nothing time.
This was the first time that my Buy Nothing experiment started to bother me. And I kept asking myself why? And after some soul-searching I realized that it's just so desirable to hide behind stuff. I'll buy some pretty things so you'll think I'm pretty. I'll make the porch look perfect so that you think I have my act together. I'll buy fresh rugs so you don't see how tattered I really am.
Usually I would have just gone and bought these new items without much thought. Or said "I am just trying to be hospitable!" But for me, I don't think that deep down it is as much about hospitality as it is about insecurity. I want them to like me. Or maybe I just want them to be distracted by my stuff so they never get the chance to see the real me. We complain that "we want to be known and understood" but do we really? Or do we just want our friends to know a false representation of ourselves?
So today I invited these generous ladies into my home as-is. No frills. No fuss. Just naked-in-soul, feeling-as-if-I-have-nothing-to-offer but myself. An odd vulnerability that says "please just receive me as I am". I felt such a deep freedom by approaching this visit this way...it was scary-wonderful and with no regrets!
And isn't that what we each ultimately really want in our heart of hearts? Unconditional acceptance? And to think that Jesus accepts me this way: without my spiritual posturing and pretense...as-is, no frills, no fuss.
Just as I am.